Laying in bed

heartbeats dance quietly into the waterway of my ear, which lays on your chest. the darkness surrounds us both and the only sound i can hear besides your thump thump blood gushing and inhale exhale oxygen is the fan in your window whirr whirr whirr whirrrrrr. an occasional car down the street, and it seems so strange, seems so strange, four o’clock in the morning. right after, you breathed “i love you, goodnight,” and mere moments later there was some slight amount of twitching. you are asleep, and i am awake. it used to bother me so, but i’ve grown so fond of the quiet where all i hear is your thump thump blood gushing and inhale exhale oxygen. the fan isn’t too bad, either.  after a while it occurs to me that we breathe together, you and me, our breath is the same, and it scares me. maybe i’m not breathing at all maybe i only breathe because of you maybe if you stop breathing i’ll stop too. then i remember the day where i was scared and you were passed out and i sat across the room from you with my head on my knees arms wrapped around my bent legs staring staring staring at your chest which simply had to keep moving moving moving up down up down. if there was a professional field for watching chests to ensure that they are moving up down, i would certainly be a significant player in that game. thoughts falter when you talk in your sleep again. i may never be able to hear exactly what you are saying but i would bet money that you’re telling me you love me in a language no one has discovered yet.

my eyes have been closed. i open them. no longer feigning exhaustion. i peer up at you through eyelashes that are still caked with mascara. head turned away, eyes shut, to anyone else you would seem indifferent, but i know you are just asleep and your arm is still wrapped around me. to prove anyone else indifferent, i squeeze your fingers and instantly instantly instantly there is a squeeze back. exhale. lips to shoulder. eyes close.

eyes open. i will never sleep. i am cursed to stay awake and love you. turning turning turning over, tightening tightening tightening your grasp on me and my heart swelling swelling swelling. has nighttime ever been so sweet? the glow in the dark stars on your ceiling might as well be the real thing and the glow of our cell phones in the dark might as well be the glow of luminescent bugs keeping the lover lying awake in the bed some company. the whirr whirr whirr of the fan might as well be gentle wind and your bed might as well be soft ground, sand, a bed of leaves. this all comes so naturally to me.

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